Tag Archives: break ups

Nice Guys : Pedestaling & You

Image Credit : zahodi-vgosti.ru

Hello nice guys(and gals), today I have a bit of a treat post for you. Truth be told this subject has been on my mind since last week and I knew instantly that it was going to be my next post’s topic. Today’s topic is about pedestaling, what it is, why you shouldn’t do it and how it changes you for the worse.

We’ve all placed women on a pedestal at some point in time of our lives, but the average nice guy has a terrible tendency to do this on a regular basis. Now I’m not saying it’s wrong to be polite to the opposite sex but that is where you should probably draw the line. In this post I have a strange story of how a nice guy takes putting women on a pedestal to the extreme. His post is rather long so I will be cutting it up for the sake of length.

Our nice guy’s name is Thomas, he’s been married to his wife for five years but as of late things haven’t been all rainbows and sunshine. Thomas says:

Several months ago, we were at a low point in our marriage. I was always busy with work and didn’t spend enough time with her. She felt that we were becoming distant. Many arguments arose and our love in one another felt like it was dwindling. At this time, I had to go away on a business trip for the weekend. My wife was alone at home, with our problems unresolved, and felt empty. She sought to ease the pain with alcohol at a local bar. In a moment of weakness, she had an affair with one of the patrons. Immediately, the next morning, she called me in tears and told me what happened. I felt anger, betrayal, and sorrow, and found myself unable to deal with the situation. I couldn’t talk my precious wife for days.

Immediately, the next morning, she called me in tears and told me what happened. I felt anger, betrayal, and sorrow, and found myself unable to deal with the situation. I couldn’t talk my precious wife for days.At this point, our marriage was greater than it’s ever been. However, a life changing issue has arisen in past two weeks. My wife had been feeling sick and no common medicine seemed to help. As time went by, she began to question if perhaps her ills were a result of a pregnancy. Sure enough, we went to her doctor and he confirmed that my wife was now 9 weeks pregnant. A realization hit the both of us that given the timing, there was no chance that I could be the father. Therefore the pregnancy was the result of my wife’s affair. The news broke her heart, and has left me in a state of depression. Once again, the feelings of anger and betrayal arose, leaving me distant from my wife.

At this point, I’m not sure what to do. Horrible thoughts of divorce and abortion enter my mind every day, and I’m trying my best to suppress them. I have fears that if we have this child together, I might resent him/her. The man my wife had the affair with was African American, while she and I are both Caucasian. This presents another fear as it would be clear to the child that I’m not the true father. How would I explain this to him/her? How would I explain this to others? Many thoughts keep passing through my mind, and I don’t know what to do. I feel alone, both emotionally and spiritually, and am questioning why God has allowed this to happen.”

Now dealing with a cheating partner is never easy, and it’s especially difficult being a nice guy. After reading Tom’s plea I can’t help but think he has this woman on a pedestal and no matter what she does wrong he can’t seem to knock her off. Notice how Tom seems to blame himself for his wife’s actions, and down right says he has no right to judge her! The reason I’m choosing Tom’s story is not because it’s the worst I’ve ever seen but the least extreme.

This poor guy is essentially apologizing for something his wife did to him and blaming it on everyone except the person who did the wrong doing. This is the end result of pedestaling guys, it completely destroys your perception and makes you lose focus of what’s going on around you. Let’s break down the effects to be clear guys.

The Causes:

What causes a guy to literally go blind(love is blind? see what I did there?) when in the presence of a woman? Great question, here are a few  answers.

  • Because you mom said so: In today’s world most parent/s teach their men in training to  always respect women and be nice to them.
  • Reward: For some strange reason nice guys think that if they trip over themselves with the sole purpose of making a woman happy that it will some how land them together. Guys it’s a lot more complicated than that and I promise in another post I’ll break it down for you.
  • Attention: Nice guys hate being ignored by someone that they like. It makes them sad, depressed, and mad at the world. They will do anything to get rid of those feelings.

The Effects:

  • She can’t do anything wrong: Having a woman on a pedestal makes you paint them in a perfect light, so perfect in fact that if she did anything wrong it wouldn’t even register in your brain. Enter Tom…
  • You are no longer important: You stop looking out for number one, and just look after her. Again this makes you lose focus on what is really going on in your relationship. Tom again…
  • Everything is your fault: If she leaves you or hooks up with someone else. Some how it turns out to be your fault and your fault alone.

In conclusion guys you really need to step back and see if you have adopted any of the symptoms above and if you have you seriously need to reverse the process before you end up like Thomas. A middle aged man that has been married to a wife that had an affair and is carrying a baby that isn’t his. Somewhere in Tom’s mind she didn’t do anything wrong, and he has no right to judge her. Nice guys this is your fate if you don’t stop putting women you are attracted to on a pedestal. Stay tuned for net week’s post as always comments, questions, complaints, concerns, and confessions are welcome!

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Nice Guys: Dealing With A Break Up

Break ups are probably the very bane of the heart. We meet someone, get to know them, develop feelings, think everything is fine, and take our hearts and proceed to the closest and dirtiest trash receptacle. Unfortunately if you where really into the relationship then chances are you are taking it very hard.

Trevor asks:

Ok so me and my girlfriend (ex) of 3 years just broke, up with really no reason, I’m afraid she found someone different, I am so heartbroken it kills me, I’m 18 and shes 19 and what bothers me is the thought of her having sex with someone else, just because of how I knew she acted during sex or the things she said to really make you feel like she loved you…. I feel so broken and need some tips. -Trevor

Trevor believe me when I say I know how awful you must feel currently and I must say if this is someone you consider your true love then there isn’t a whole lot you can really do to erase her from existence. However I will do my best to help you and other readers with some decent tips to not some much get over your ex but to accept that they are gone.

The 5 Steps…

Everyone who goes through a painful break up takes what I like to call rehab. I call it rehab because in essence your ex has become a drug of sorts and now that they supply has run dry you are left to fend for yourself. Here is a brief description of each step.

  • Denial & Isolation: The first stage is always the hardest. You can’t believe shes gone and you don’t want to do anything unless it’s with her which isn’t going to happen unless she some how realizes she made a mistake.
  • Anger & Frustration: Anger usually ensues after you find that they are doing just fine without you or that you simply can’t get the person from your mind. This stage can last months and make you more irritable in general. Basically you might end up flipping a table over because your favorite TV show isn’t coming on…
  • Negotiation: This is a pretty crucial stage. Here is when you start trying to negotiate your way back into your ex’s life so that you can get your “fix”. Unfortunately it is counter productive and can last a few weeks
  • Depression: I know what you are thinking “But I’m already depressed.” Well get ready for even more of it because once negotiations fail then you really start to get down on yourself and hit rock bottom. WARNING: You can get stuck in this stage.
  • Acceptance: The very final step of rehab and the hardest one to get to. However this is the step I will try to get you to (hopefully in less time).

Dealing With It…

One does not simply deal with a break up. One really has to embrace it as it was a long lost brother that they don’t really want to hug but must simply out of formality. Below I have a few rules and guidelines that should help you through the 5 steps in a moderate amount of time without fail. I would say a max of 2 months.

  • Be Sad: Yes, be sad. You just lost someone you care about and if you are going to try and pretend that you don’t give a crap. You will quickly find out that you will have an even harder time getting over her. Take the time to understand your feelings and if someone (even your ex) asks how you are feeling be honest about it. Don’t try and be some sort of tough guy. I’m not saying to cry with snot running down your face or anything but voice your opinion in a neutral manner.
  • Stay Off The Ex Radar: I highly doubt you want to find out that your ex is happy with someone else, so don’t try to look them up, meet with them, or contact them. Yes I know this is extremely difficult but it’s better to leave them in the dark so they can have the opportunity to miss you and realize they let something good go.
  • Hang Out Often: Although you probably don’t feel like being a social butterfly right now, you should probably take the initiative and hang out.I would highly recommend some kind of event that involves a large amount of people. Football games actually work great.
  • Listen To Music: Listening to music can help you get those emotions out of your system. We often have a terrible habit of holding on to what we are feeling without some kind of release. This of course is incredibly unhealthy so much can be a bit of a relief for you.

These are tips and rules I have always used to accept a rather painful break up and I know it won’t steer you wrong. I must insist that you try your best to hang out, and again sporting events are probably one of the best methods.

Heck I will even help you plan ahead! Don’t think about it, just get your hands on some Auburn tigers football tickets , Arkansas razorbacks football tickets , or your personal favorite. Trevor I know you are in Birmingham  so why not go check out the Alabama crimson tide football tickets just to help get your mind off. Hopefully this will help not only Trevor but so many others that are continuing to read along.

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