Category Archives: friendship

Nice Guys : The Benjamin Franklin Effect

Nice guys! How do you get a woman in which you are attracted to like you? Do you give them lots of attention? Treat them out to dinner? Shower them with gifts? Always pay for the bill? How often have you gone that extra mile for someone only to have it blow up in your face later on? What if I told you there was a fool proof way to properly gauge a woman’s genuine affection for you without you putting yourself in too much of a compromising position? Well wish no more nice guys I have just that for you today. This technique is called “The Benjamin Franklin Effect” and is today’s topic of discussion. Today you are going to discover how to use this effect to your advantage and see whether the object of your affection is even worth your time.

So what is this effect and why should I care?

The Benjamin Franklin Effect (BFE) is a psychological finding that says that a person who has invested an effort into another person is more likely to invest even more into that same person. So what does this mean? Think about every time you’ve treated a woman you like out to dinner, paid the bill, gave her gifts. Your initial investment into that person will usually lead to another investment. Which means more dates, fancy gifts, or favors for that person in addition you becoming even more attracted to them.

How does this help me with women?

Glad you asked nice guy! Now that you know the principles of the B.F.E, you can now compare and contrast your level of investment and hers.  If you find yourself investing where your woman isn’t you know for a fact that her attraction to you isn’t there. This saves you a lot of wasted time, money, and energy in the dating game and can even help you land a real catch quicker.

The method isn’t difficult and you don’t even have to change your current approach. All you need to do is pay attention to her actions to gauge her level of investment. However nice guys I feel I must warn a few of you when it comes to effectively gauging a woman’s investment in you. In no way, shape, or form should you take any kind of physical contact as an investment. Hugs, pecks on the cheek and even sex can are often misconstrued by the gullible.

True investments are her picking up the tab, getting you a gift, or even taking you out… Basically anything you’d do for her. Now while you may say “Well these things aren’t exactly what a woman should do for me.” allow me to drag you out of the 1950’s and into the magical world of equality. There may be some extremely old fashion women out there (never met one but hey) however I doubt you’ll have one that likes you and not do something for you just because. Keep in mind the B.F.E isn’t only for gauging a woman’s affections to you but it also works on friendships, family, even work related relationships. It may just change the way you interact with everyone around you. Enjoy nice guys.

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Nice Guys: Are You A Loser?

Hello everyone and welcome to November! I know it’s the last day of the month, but  give me a bit of a break here. I’ve been dealing with category 5 hurricanes, Thanks Giving with family, and life in general. Speaking of life in general I wanted to go ahead and discuss a very important topic. That topic is that question all of us ask our selves at some point in time.

“Am I a loser?

I’ve been reading the stories (way too many of them) and it makes me feel terrible that so many people are struggling with this question. Normally I have on that really sticks out in my mind but there are literally a handful that just make me wonder where these people are going to end up. Just know that if you feel like you are a loser this post is dedicated to you and your struggle and I hope it helps you in some kind of way.

Answering The Question

It’s never an easy question to answer, in fact it’s down right impossible because there is a part of you that is beyond bias and hates your guts. You see these kinds of questions pop up in one of two scenarios, bullying or self loathing. Neither of which are better than the other as they both lead to depression, isolation, apathy, and even suicide. The scenarios are tough to get through, and even tougher to identify and take action against. Are you being bullied or do you just hate yourself that much? Can it possibly be both?

Bullying:

Bullying has evolved over the past century from simple teasing at the play ground between children to indirect comments between adults. While children can be cruel, I’m afraid adults can be a bit more callous and cold especially in the kind of world we live in today. It’s not all rainbows and cupcakes out here. As an adult, boy friend, husband, etc so much is expected of us that when we don’t deliver we are deemed useless. The stigma of being a “nice guy” or “the 30 year old in their parent’s basement” all of these things can drive a person in these categories insane.

I think what people fail to realize is that we aren’t all given the same chances, even if we want to believe that it’s true. If you feel that everyone one has the same chance to be something go to a third world country and tell that starving kid to grow his or her own food,  go tell that homeless man on the street to get a job even though he is missing a leg, tell that guy in his parent’s basement to be somebody when he is trying is damnedest not to live a mediocre life.

It’s easy to tell others where their faults are, and what they should do. Until you step foot into their shoes. You can’t tell someone that is suffering that they will be fine until you go through that same pain. If you are one of those people that often make those comments, you should think about what you are saying and who you are effecting by saying it.

Self Loathing:

At some time or another I am sure we have all been hard on ourselves because of something. For some people it’s a bit more extreme then a simple internal berating. I personally still struggle with it because I am one of those guys that can’t stand to lose or get the short end of the stick. I used to always get down on myself about how I should of been faster, stronger, smarter, what ever. For a time I used to think that method pushed people to improve but in reality it can do just the opposite.

When you are always on the losing end and you get angry at yourself. You are more likely to flat out quit or develop a apathetic outlook on whatever new projects you undertake. This goes for relationships as well. Men and women alike who where always on the receiving end of a bad break up usually if not always have a very poor outlook on the next relationship and don’t put in what they should so they don’t get hurt. It’s a difficult thing to fix, but the first step always start with forgiving yourself in some way.

I feel this post was kind of all over the place (all the stories I read I wanted to address), but I was able to get out what I wanted to. To answer your questions about whether or not you are a loser, my answer is definitely not. Do your best to change what you don’t like, even if it feels hopeless. Take time away if you need to refresh your battery and get back to it. Never quit.

 

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Nice Guys: Can Men & Women Be Friends?

 

Hello and welcome to another exciting post. It’s been a few weeks and as many of you that have been keeping up know posts have been a little sporadic due to me working on my home business. Now while that may be my main focus you all know my passions about relationships burns deep. Today I wanted to answer a question asked by young reader in regards to an issue he has with a female “friend”.

Joshua asks:

“I am really great friends with a classmate of mine, and I have started falling in love with her and I am wondering if I should tell her?”

Alright, I want to go ahead and get one thing out of the way immediately. You started falling in love from the moment you first met. I am a guy, I can see through that “I started falling in love.” crap. When it comes to us guys we are either attracted or not. Never will you meet a woman, have no attraction to them and then develop one. Women on the other hand are different. They can actually meet you with no attraction and then develop one later on.

Allow me to break it down for the guys. You meet a woman, you have an attraction, if she isn’t reciprocating then you settle for friendship in hopes of getting something later. This is the case for every single woman you are “friends” with. A woman isn’t a machine where you put kindness coins into until sex falls out! I hate to be black and white, but ask yourself this question.

If your female friend came to you and offered sex would you accept?

Unless you play for the other team (nothing wrong with that by the way) you will accept the offer without question. Men can often be delusional when it comes to having female friends. Do not kid yourself. Female friends are not possible unless you are homosexual, castrated, or have no pulse. If a woman calls you a friend you give her the face. What face? This face

Now when it comes to approaching a women with whom you are attracted, you want to make sure there is some irrefutable proof that there is an interest between you two. I personally like to use what I like to call the “Door” method because it works 100% of the time without seeming like a horn dog.

What the hell is the door method?

Think of the door method as a magic 8 ball. You ask a question and the ball says yes, no, or maybe. It’s just like that except we are removing the maybe part.The door method can be used physically and mentally.

Physically

When you run into your “friend” and they hug you. Examine the way they hug you, for example someone that has absolutely no interest in you will do the “ironing board”. They will bend at the waste keeping their pelvis far from yours, while someone that has some sentiment of attraction to you will have no problem standing closer and hugging for longer periods.

Also keep in mind if this person keeps touching you on the knees, arms, and shoulder. Most women have a habit of constantly touching guys they are attracted to. The more attracted the more touching.

Mentally

This is usually the easiest way to tell if a woman is attracted to you with the least bit of resistances. When engaged in a conversation bring up something that you have an interest in doing (Not Her…) in the near future. Women who have an attraction to you will often reply with an open ended remark so that they can be invited to that thing you are doing.

For example:

You: Man! Have you heard about [Insert New Movie Coming Out Here] next week? I can’t wait to see it!

Her: Oh me too. I really want to see it.

See? She is leaving the door open for an invention from you. If she had no interest in you, chances are she would of told you something negative or generic. Something like “Oh” or “that’s cool”. It’s important to listen to what she says because guys can be a little delusional when it comes to a woman being interested. Just because you carried her bag to class doesn’t mean she wants you in the worst way.

There you have it a simple way to tell if that woman you are chasing secretly want you to pummel her in a fun way without the risk of having your guts ripped out in front of the world…Your welcome.

What do I do if she doesn’t like me?

So you found out she doesn’t like you but you are still stuck on her and you need to make her yours. The best thing you can do is simply stay off her radar for a few weeks or even months. That means no contact, no checking up on her, no nothing. You want to do this for a few reasons.

Firstly you want to let her know you have better things to do. Women actually like guys with their own life. I know I know I’m shocked as well…

Secondly you want to kind of get off her radar. She will want to know what been going on with you after a long hiatus. This gives you the opportunity to kind of reintroduce yourself to her. It’s especially effective if you have gotten in shape or changed your look.

If reintroduction doesn’t work then it’s best to cut your losses and move onward to better and brighter things. What I really want you guys to get though is that you don’t have female friend, only acquaintances! Women do have male friends, but it’s only because they think differently. Good luck out there fellas.

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Nice Guys: Do Supportive Women Exist?

Hello gang, after a month long hiatus on the nice guy blue print (been really busy starting up my business) I wanted to address a serious topic that had me well.. pretty much pissed off the entire afternoon. Now we know the people in the world can be an extremely cruel but what happens when it’s the people you actually rely on most that are the problem? In today’s post I want to address a few questions asked by the countless nice guys out there that are wondering.

“Do supportive women exist and if so where are they?

In my experiences and observations I will say that there are supportive women out there. HOWEVER, there seems to be a rather large catch. As long as your goals, needs, whatever is in line with hers. She will be there. The unfortunate news however is once those goals don’t meet with her lifestyle she may leave you high and dry.

Now of course you have your famous isolated incidents like Mechelle Obama sticking by her husband through thick and thin. However you need to remember we are talking about average women. Women who don’t look at the heart, soul, and dedication you have. They want to know what you can do for them right now as opposed  to what they are willing to stick through. In many professional debates I have almost always heard the women say “I can’t wait for a guy to get his act together.” and for most men that is an instant turn off. It shows selfishness and conceit. No man wants to drop their goals and dreams for a woman who is all about them.

In fact that mentality has cause such a rift between men and women that it’s almost impossible to from a genuine relationship because you don’t really know what the woman is after until she leaves. While I believe true love and real women are out there, I don’t want to kid you guys about your chances of finding it. I’m not saying date every chick that you can, because if you did it would mean you have no idea what you want in a woman. You know what you like, be her friend first and really listen to what she says and watch what she does. It’s very easy to read an individual. Just don’t be distracted by a pretty face, shapely body and sweet demeanor.

Always be yourself, and never be afraid to disagree with a view, opinion, of belief. Not to do so is trying to force yourself to fit into another person’s life and that should happen naturally. If you do this you can easily spot a supportive woman and treat them like they deserve. As for the others…who cares?

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Nice Guys: Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

Continuing from yesterday’s friend zone session I have decided not to leave you guys hanging by thinking you are trapped there forever. Today I will be giving you guaranteed methods for getting you out of the zone. I must warn you though, this is going to take a lot of effort, discipline, and guts.

Teach Me Master…

 We got ourselves in this mess because of her perception of us.  We did things that branded us friend material, and although being friends is nice (I guess?) it’s not what we want. Here is a list of our first steps of our long hard road out of hell.

  1. Take Your Ball & Go Home: This isn’t an after school special or some kind of a play date. If you want her to see you as someone she can see herself with stop making yourself so available. This means stop calling, stop texting, stop treating her out, stop listening to her issues, and definitely stop being the guy who wipes the tears from her face. You need to remain off her radar for at least a month. No need to be a jerk or blow her off, just give her the “I’m busy” line(I’m sure you have heard it plenty of times too).
  2. Focus On Yourself: Having your own life is attractive to everyone. Start doing things that interest you, because if you are like most people. Chances are chasing this person around has left you in an unhappy state of mind. Start having fun again, work on life goals, get in shape. You are starting to get what I am saying here right?
  3. See Other Women: Before you even think it. Listen… I am not saying you need to be attracted to these other women what so ever. Just hang out with other girls and enjoy your time. This does a few things for you. It helps you understand that women are human just like you and me and thus become less intimidating, easier to talk to, and easier to walk away from.
  4. Reconnect: After a month or so she what she’s up to. Talk to her about things you’ve been doing and with who. Mentioning a female’s name or two or three usually advocates a little jealousy. Remember little to no contact for at least a month before reconnection.
  5. Make Flexible Plans: Invite her out, but make sure your plans are possible to do WITHOUT her. If she says no why have your night ruined in the process? A good example of this is to have a couple of friend and yourself head out to a movie, bowling, whatever. The key factor is whether or not she comes along the night is still going to happen and it will be HER loss if she declines.

It looks easy on paper, but trust me it’s a lot harder to implement depending on how much you want this. A lot of guys feel if they cut their time short, that the other person will “move on”. Let me tell you something, the more of a friend you are the easier it is for them to move on.

Best to just go ahead and start the transformation now, before you end up sitting on a couch eating a bowl of ice cream wondering why on earth you did so many stupid things that put you in the friend zone in the first place.

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Nice Guys: Are You In The Friend Zone?

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 Alright. So we all know being in the friend zone sucks for both men and women a like and in most cases it’s easier for women to free themselves from this barren waste land than it is for men. Today I answered a question asked by Mike about the friend zone.

Micheal Writes:

“What are some signs that you are being friend zoned? Please give me details, examples? Thanks.”

A simple question at best but the answer is not so clear cut. In fact this may indeed confuse some readers as they ever so slowly realize that they have been put in the zone that everyone hates.

Am I In The Zone?

Unless you just met the object of your affection it doesn’t take a genius to know there is a 95% chance that you are already in that zone. You see the friend zone is not a one person decision in fact it takes the actions of both people to decided whether or not you end up there. First let’s take a look at the mirror and this list to see our contribution to ending up here.

  • Too Accommodating: Be honest, do you find yourself being available every time she wants to hang out? This says to her that you can, will, and have dropped everything just to be around her. Of course she will like that when the time suits her, but other times it’s a big turn off.
  • Do You Brown Nose: To be blunt, do you kiss her ass so much that you need to apply chap stick? Are you always paying compliments, buying gifts, treating her out? If so I wish you could see the expression on my face right now, but this will have to do…
  • Do You Try To Impress: Do you constantly find yourself trying to impress her? Whether it be trying to sound intelligent, flexing your muscles, or simply trying to sweep her off her feet.
  • Did You Confess Your Undying Love: Did your bottled up feelings just kind of spill over and come flying out of your mouth in a barrage of jumbled up words of affection? …Yeah

These four points will land you in the friend zone quicker than you can imagine and if you have done any of the following it’s pretty safe to say you screwed the pooch on this one. However there is a way to fix it, but it’s going to take some serious time, effort, and control on your part. More on this later.

Pay Attention To Her.

Aside from you royally screwing up your chances by yourself, there are a few signs that she has already fenced you off from her fields of joy. This list should help you quickly recognize whether or not she see’s you as just a friend or someone she would like to get close to.

  • Say What?: If she talks to you about other guys, asks advice concerning other guys, or asks you about your friends that are guys then chances are you are a non factor.
  • Hanging Out: If she hangs out with you in the company of other friends, or your activities together include shopping, and other non romantic outings than there is a good chance she does not see you in the light you would like.
  • Financial Status: This is going to sound so crappy, but what a lot of women look for in a partner in their income. If you have none you have lowered your chances considerably.
  • Surrounded By Men: If her circle of friends are primarily guys than you are going to be added quickly. These men are no doubt the results of previous guys that have trap themselves in the abyss.

There you have it, all the obvious signs that you are in the bottomless pit affectionately named the friend zone. If you have checked off at a minimum two of anything listed you sir are very much there.

Nice Guys : Is It Better To Have A Friend With Benefits?

Stemming from my last post about sex, I wanted to address something every nice guy considers as a “lesser of two evils” when it comes to sex. That lesser evil is called many things like Fuck Buddies, Special Buddy System, etc however for simplicity I will call it Friends With Benefits (F.W.B for short). When it comes to F.W.B I can’t say I have experienced it but on multiple occasions the offer has come up as well as my view on it changing dramatically.

 When I was first introduced to the term I was in my senior year of high school months away from graduation. I was out with friends one whom of which was in college at the time. She had decided to introduce me to a classmate of hers, as expected of my social circle the young lady was charming and well spoken. At the end of our day she had received a phone call, it was extremely brief. She mentioned a time and place and promptly hung up. I was a bit of a curious kid so I said

“That was a short call, everything alright?”

She smiled and said “That’s my…FF.”

I gave her one of my patented -I don’t get it looks- To which she elaborated “Friends with benefits”. I asked her what the term meant exactly (yes I know I was a very naive teenager) and she was completely shocked that I had no idea what she was talking about. She put it as blunt as humanly possible.

“We get together and fuck…nothing more and nothing less. Just sex.”

 I was a little taken back by her definition but I showed that I understood completely by nodding and looking at the ground pretty quickly. I remembered trying to run the workings of such a relationship in my mind but simply could not wrap my head around the idea at the time. Two friends just using each other for sex didn’t just seemed immoral but it seems just flat out wrong. I guess my silence tipped her off and she said

“Don’t knock it till you try it…”

 I pretty much knocked it out right. I couldn’t imagine myself doing such a seemingly horrible thing to someone especially if I called them a friend. As time went on my views on F.W.B began to change, a steadily increasing number of friends began participating. At first I was a bit disappointed in all of them but I stepped outside of my own self righteousness just long enough to see why they where doing it. The one thing everyone had in common was that they were all hurt very badly on the relationship battlefield. Of course I didn’t see their point of view fully until I went through that exact same pain, no doubt that you too have experienced it and if you have I am very sad and sorry to know you’ve gone through something that has undoubtedly changed you’re life.

 My friends gave up on true love, they put their hearts and souls into the one they really wanted and it turned out wrong for them. The F.W.B option was the best way out of a sexually dormant life and I can’t really blame them after everything I’ve experienced with normal relationships first hand. It’s not a matter of giving up or even having an apathetic outlook on you’re love life. It’s a realization you get when you just know that you will not love someone to the fullest, or maybe because you will always have that wariness towards future partners, or even you simply just don’t have the will to try again.

So Is It Alright To Have Friends With Benefits?

In all honesty it’s still a choice I have yet to make. While I gladly admit that it is a sound solution for those that have had enough heart ache for a lifetime, I also can’t help but to think it’s still wrong on some levels. I’ll explain the best I can:

The Pro’s :

  1. Expectations: Both people know exactly what to expect. This leaves absolutely no room to be disappointed. There is no need to feel like you constantly need to be “new” “exciting” or “fresh” which is a great feeling on it’s own.
  2. Friendship: Having a real friendship means that you two can really be at ease with each other. You can go out have a good time, go home and have an even better time if you so choose. There is no pressure, awkwardness, etc.
  3. It’s Always There: True friends will always be there for you no matter what happens in your life. Just as you would be for your friends, there will never bee a period of “no communication” like the ones you’ve no undoubtedly experienced when you where in a relationship.
  4. No Break Ups: Imagine that! Never having to break up or be broken up with ever again. This one point alone was something that really makes me struggle with the subject. The feeling I get when I think about it is a like the feeling you would get if you never had to worry about money, food, etc.
  5. Something Can Grow: I’ve always believed true love grows from true friendship. If you can have a friendship with this level of closeness love can grow and turn into a truly wonderful thing.
  6. Pure Trust: Your real friends wouldn’t do a damn thing to hurt you in any way and the same thing should be said about you. High levels of trust allow you both to be as sexually free as you want, you can both try  and experience new things you probably wouldn’t even attempt with someone else.

There are a ton more pro’s I have running around in my head but for length’s sake I have narrowed it down to the top 6. If you all wish I can go deeper in detail about the pros of F.W.B.

The Con’s:

  1. Multiple Friends: Many people go overboard with having more than one F.W.B at a time. This in my opinion is a recipe for disaster. Just because you trust one, doesn’t me the outside parties trust each other.
  2. Developing Feelings: If by chance you or your partner catch feelings while the other one simply wants to remain strictly sexual it can put a strain on the friendship.
  3. Finding a relationship: It can put a damper on things if your F.W.B suddenly got a new boyfriend. This means it’s pretty much over between you two until they split. Also simply knowing they may be sexually engaged with someone else may be a total turn off for future endeavors.
  4. It’s a big gamble: If you become f.w.b with a close friend there is always that chance the friendship will be broke in some way. If the friend is not close there will be a lack of trust, it’s a lose/lost situation here.
  5. Jealousy: Some people really can’t handle just being friends with benefits, because they know if someone comes along they are pretty much out of the picture unless you are a cheater. Chances are if you are reading this blog you most certainly are not.
  6. Guilt: Stemming from jealousy, guilt can wreak havoc on your mind.

These are the reasons I have not made up my mind on the F.W.B issue but should you do it? I will say this you run great risk attempting this, but you also stand to gain a lot if successful. If I could make any recommendations towards this subject I would recommend that you and a very close friend discuss the possibilities. Protection is obvious but chances are with a close friend you wont have to worry about Diseases, promiscuity, and other hazards regular relationships have that you will need to be wary of.

It’s a completely different arena, and to be honest there is so much you don’t have to worry about but all those things are replaced by a slew of other things that can be just as damaging. However it’s not impossible to make it work, but my advice is simply to be careful regardless of choice.

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