Nice Guys: Giving Up On Relationships & Women

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I realize that relationships and the opposite sex can really drive a good guy insane, but what if it drives you to the point of no return? Today it seems to have driven one particular nice guy to the point of simply giving up, and if one is close to giving up than I know others are as well. So I would like to share a question I recently answered to help this nice guy get back on track.

Chris Writes:

“The thing is i know I’m a nice guy.. I have always been friendly and caring towards girls. I have always respected girls and not once looked at a girls cleavage area but I have only ever been seen as friend material.They only ever want the attractive boys who are bound to be arrogant.

In the past year i have had 3 gays ask me out and i have said no to each of them But now i just feel like turning gay. Girls always say they want a nice guy, they only want an attractive and unpredictable guy, so i just give up. I’m only 20 but it doesn’t look like anything will ever change. I have tried online dating but i don’t seem to get anywhere. What do you think? -Chris”

 I think just about any nice guy out there can relate to Chris’s pain here, constantly friend zoned, contradicting wishes and the women who say them. If that weren’t enough even the occasional wink from a gay guy… I think that (If you are heterosexual of course) is when you hit an all time low. Believe it or not I was in the exact same rut as Chris, including the unwanted advances from men to which I never really understood.

So the question still stands…What does one do when they are on the verge of giving up on something that simply frustrates the hell out of them? In my experiences with women specifically I try to get the following in mind at all times.

  • Lower your expectations: Not of what you want in a woman, but what to expect from them. It’s best to be extremely neutral towards women you meet in general.
  • Expect nothing: Years ago I learned the saying “Expect Nothing. When you do you will find that you are never disappointed, taken by surprise, or left hurting. This is a motto I live by.
  • DTA(Don’t Trust Anybody): The majority of people can’t and shouldn’t be trusted. This is not me being an asshole, I’m just stating a fact. There are women out there that will purposely mess with your head, get your attention, affection, love, whatever else you can think of just to see if they can do it.
  • Become a super self: When you are focused on being the best you can possibly be, these kinds of ruts become extinct and people start flocking towards you naturally.
  • Give what they deserve: I know it sucks but stop putting your absolute best foot forward. Be polite, but never go above and beyond for someone that has not done the same for you at any point of time in their life.

Following these simple steps can really cut down those “I want to give up” ruts, possibly even eliminating them completely. I think the problem is in these situations are that we have done so much to please others that we don’t understand how on earth we are so …over looked.  We focus too much on what others are doing, what they have, and how we can be part of it. Stop, just do what you do and let things happen naturally.

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14 thoughts on “Nice Guys: Giving Up On Relationships & Women

  1. moscheckie says:

    Is it bad that I am a girl and completely agree with everything you are saying? I can’t speak for all girls, but I am kind of in the same boat. I feel like I am never going to get a boyfriend. It’s not that I am unattractive or dumb or anything like that. I just don’t have the self confidence and courage to put myself out there.

    • Hi Moscheckie.

      No it’s not bad at all that you agree. In fact many women have agreed in the past. My advice is generally geared towards the nice guy, so that they can avoid the many obstacles that are in front of them.

      However this advice can also be applied to the nice girl as well, but of course there are a few obstacles that I can’t predict for that specific group.

      When it comes to boyfriends, relationships, sex,etc. The best advice I can give you is to not be in a rush. Very few people realize these things are the major causes of stress in life.

      Picking the wrong partner time after time, regretting the things you’ve done, mistakes you have to live with, the list goes on. Why put up with that when you can focus on being successful and finding someone worth the trouble?

  2. Bill says:

    It would help if people could just be more honest. If a woman wants an offensive jerk who is verbally or physically abusive, she should say so and save everyone a lot of time.Women should not say that they want a nice guy when such a man is repulsive to her. It causes a lot of pain and suffering for no good reason. I understand that most women won’t give the nice guy a chance but you don’t have to mislead him either.

    • That is an interesting point Bill. While I will agree that women do find genuine nice guys a major turn off, having a physically or verbally abusive male is just as bad.

      Women do love aggressive and confident (borderline arrogant) males who is not afraid to walk away from her. Nothing turns a woman on more than showing her she’s nothing special. It’s a battle for attention and they will do and endure anything to win.

      • Bill says:

        Good luck to you. I am actually married now and haven’t dated for over 20 years but if you are looking for a girl here are 3 pieces of advice: 1. Don’t be overweight. It turns off girls. 2. Women are more interested in themselves than in you. Let them talk about themselves and ask an occasional question. If they want to know about you they will ask. 3. Dress well. You don’t have to look like a movie star but make sure your clothes are clean and neat and for some reason women also look at your shoes, so make sure they look good. There are more points but these are three that come to mind.
        As I said, I did not have any real success until I stopped caring about the outcome.I was focused on my job and getting my MBA. Everything else fell into place. Concentrate on bettering yourself for your own sake. Don’t worry about the scumbags that are always getting the girl. Years down the road they will be old scumbags and you will be well off–and if a guy is well off he’s likely to find someone even if he is a nice guy.

  3. Bill says:

    I think the writer of this blog is brilliant and he is 100% correct. It took me until I was 30 to figure this out. I sent this on to several friends.
    These poor guys (and I was one of them) have been fighting a losing battle and getting frustrated and depressed. The sooner they see the game is rigged the sooner they can begin to heal. When I came to the same conclusions as expressed in this article I felt a great sense of peace. Keep up the good work.

    • Bill thank you very much for your kind words. It’s very difficult for men out here to find a trust worthy woman who genuinely wants a nice guy.

      • Bill says:

        After a while some women grow tired of the obnoxious jerk who walks all over them. Before I met my wife a dated a nice girl from Baltimore who was 21 (I was in my 30’s). She was sick of jerks before she reached 21. Dhe told me that she “loved older guys.” I have known a number of successful and prominent men and I would describe them as nice guys. The were quiet, polite and thoughtful. These men never raise their voice because they don’t have to. When they speak, everyone listens. What many women don’t understand is that strength in a man does not necessarily mean the he needs a loud voice, big muscles and an obnoxious personality. That may have been necessary when we lived in caves, but not now.

  4. Bill says:

    When I hit 30 and was still single I gave up on ever having a wife or girlfriend. Instead of feeling depressed I felt a great feeling of serenity. I also felt as though a 100 pound weight had been lifted off my back. I did not care about what women thought of me; I did not have to appear “confident”; It was wonderful. At the time I gave up I had plenty to keep me busy. I had a full time job and I was enrolled in an MBA program. There is nothing wrong with giving up on women. Guys do it every day. If a woman is interested, she will let you know. Go out and enjoy the rest of your life.

    One more thing–before I gave up on women, when I would see a pretty girl with a scumbag who looked as though he just got out of jail it used to bother me. After I gave up, I didn’t care. It was great. PUA guys pretend to be indifferent but it’s an act. It was not an act with me. I REALLY didn’t care and it is the best feeling in the world.

  5. M says:

    Interesting read. None of these tips helped me at all, and “giving up” didn’t suddenly get me dates, but it’s still fun to read the entries.

    • Bill says:

      There is no guarantee in life. Many Women do not behave rationally. A woman will dump a good guy who loves for a scumbag who abuses her. Who knows what they will do. If you don’t want to totally give up, just push women very low on your priority list. Let’s put it this way: If you are #50 on her list, make her #50 on yours

  6. Bill says:

    I think the mistake many guys make is that it is not that hard to talk with women. These dating coaches over think this. Case in point: Today I was riding the Metro (subway) from Washington DC to Vienna Virginia where I live. An attractive young women sat down next to me and I struck up a conversation with her–specifically about why the train was running slowly. Then we talked about life in the DC area, the cost of living here, nice thing to do in the area etc.The entire conversation was friendly and non threatening..I would have exactly the same conversation with a man. I think men make women uncomfortable by trying to appear sexy etc when a non threatening approach would work much better.

    • andrew says:

      Big Bill – I think that I missed something. Sounds like the reason that your conversation with the young lady went so “well” was that it had NOTHING to do with your interest to date her, continue to see her, take her out,etc. Otherwise, that approach would cease to be “non-threatening”. I would think that your conversation with a man would have had nothing to do with asking him out on a date.

  7. jean says:

    Nothing turns me off more than arrogance. It is immediate and instinctual. I have asked friends how can you stand his arrogance?!
    I am nice girl looking for her nice guy. I face the same struggles as the reported “nice guys”.

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