Stemming from my last post about sex, I wanted to address something every nice guy considers as a “lesser of two evils” when it comes to sex. That lesser evil is called many things like Fuck Buddies, Special Buddy System, etc however for simplicity I will call it Friends With Benefits (F.W.B for short). When it comes to F.W.B I can’t say I have experienced it but on multiple occasions the offer has come up as well as my view on it changing dramatically.
When I was first introduced to the term I was in my senior year of high school months away from graduation. I was out with friends one whom of which was in college at the time. She had decided to introduce me to a classmate of hers, as expected of my social circle the young lady was charming and well spoken. At the end of our day she had received a phone call, it was extremely brief. She mentioned a time and place and promptly hung up. I was a bit of a curious kid so I said
“That was a short call, everything alright?”
She smiled and said “That’s my…FF.”
I gave her one of my patented -I don’t get it looks- To which she elaborated “Friends with benefits”. I asked her what the term meant exactly (yes I know I was a very naive teenager) and she was completely shocked that I had no idea what she was talking about. She put it as blunt as humanly possible.
“We get together and fuck…nothing more and nothing less. Just sex.”
I was a little taken back by her definition but I showed that I understood completely by nodding and looking at the ground pretty quickly. I remembered trying to run the workings of such a relationship in my mind but simply could not wrap my head around the idea at the time. Two friends just using each other for sex didn’t just seemed immoral but it seems just flat out wrong. I guess my silence tipped her off and she said
“Don’t knock it till you try it…”
I pretty much knocked it out right. I couldn’t imagine myself doing such a seemingly horrible thing to someone especially if I called them a friend. As time went on my views on F.W.B began to change, a steadily increasing number of friends began participating. At first I was a bit disappointed in all of them but I stepped outside of my own self righteousness just long enough to see why they where doing it. The one thing everyone had in common was that they were all hurt very badly on the relationship battlefield. Of course I didn’t see their point of view fully until I went through that exact same pain, no doubt that you too have experienced it and if you have I am very sad and sorry to know you’ve gone through something that has undoubtedly changed you’re life.
My friends gave up on true love, they put their hearts and souls into the one they really wanted and it turned out wrong for them. The F.W.B option was the best way out of a sexually dormant life and I can’t really blame them after everything I’ve experienced with normal relationships first hand. It’s not a matter of giving up or even having an apathetic outlook on you’re love life. It’s a realization you get when you just know that you will not love someone to the fullest, or maybe because you will always have that wariness towards future partners, or even you simply just don’t have the will to try again.
So Is It Alright To Have Friends With Benefits?
In all honesty it’s still a choice I have yet to make. While I gladly admit that it is a sound solution for those that have had enough heart ache for a lifetime, I also can’t help but to think it’s still wrong on some levels. I’ll explain the best I can:
The Pro’s :
- Expectations: Both people know exactly what to expect. This leaves absolutely no room to be disappointed. There is no need to feel like you constantly need to be “new” “exciting” or “fresh” which is a great feeling on it’s own.
- Friendship: Having a real friendship means that you two can really be at ease with each other. You can go out have a good time, go home and have an even better time if you so choose. There is no pressure, awkwardness, etc.
- It’s Always There: True friends will always be there for you no matter what happens in your life. Just as you would be for your friends, there will never bee a period of “no communication” like the ones you’ve no undoubtedly experienced when you where in a relationship.
- No Break Ups: Imagine that! Never having to break up or be broken up with ever again. This one point alone was something that really makes me struggle with the subject. The feeling I get when I think about it is a like the feeling you would get if you never had to worry about money, food, etc.
- Something Can Grow: I’ve always believed true love grows from true friendship. If you can have a friendship with this level of closeness love can grow and turn into a truly wonderful thing.
- Pure Trust: Your real friends wouldn’t do a damn thing to hurt you in any way and the same thing should be said about you. High levels of trust allow you both to be as sexually free as you want, you can both try and experience new things you probably wouldn’t even attempt with someone else.
There are a ton more pro’s I have running around in my head but for length’s sake I have narrowed it down to the top 6. If you all wish I can go deeper in detail about the pros of F.W.B.
- Multiple Friends: Many people go overboard with having more than one F.W.B at a time. This in my opinion is a recipe for disaster. Just because you trust one, doesn’t me the outside parties trust each other.
- Developing Feelings: If by chance you or your partner catch feelings while the other one simply wants to remain strictly sexual it can put a strain on the friendship.
- Finding a relationship: It can put a damper on things if your F.W.B suddenly got a new boyfriend. This means it’s pretty much over between you two until they split. Also simply knowing they may be sexually engaged with someone else may be a total turn off for future endeavors.
- It’s a big gamble: If you become f.w.b with a close friend there is always that chance the friendship will be broke in some way. If the friend is not close there will be a lack of trust, it’s a lose/lost situation here.
- Jealousy: Some people really can’t handle just being friends with benefits, because they know if someone comes along they are pretty much out of the picture unless you are a cheater. Chances are if you are reading this blog you most certainly are not.
- Guilt: Stemming from jealousy, guilt can wreak havoc on your mind.
These are the reasons I have not made up my mind on the F.W.B issue but should you do it? I will say this you run great risk attempting this, but you also stand to gain a lot if successful. If I could make any recommendations towards this subject I would recommend that you and a very close friend discuss the possibilities. Protection is obvious but chances are with a close friend you wont have to worry about Diseases, promiscuity, and other hazards regular relationships have that you will need to be wary of.
It’s a completely different arena, and to be honest there is so much you don’t have to worry about but all those things are replaced by a slew of other things that can be just as damaging. However it’s not impossible to make it work, but my advice is simply to be careful regardless of choice.